I am so tan! Or have I just rolled in shit?

I am going to the beach today, Malibu to be exact. I expect the people there will be fabulous, not like me. And they will be tan, not like me. Ever since I was 12 I wanted to be tan and ever since I have been white, with the kind of skin that is transparent under fluorescent light. Childhood trips to Mexico yielded only red peeling skin and freckles.
Today I change all that. It is a new life. With the help of a bottle of self-tanning lotion the door to fabulousness will be opened. Left leg application with sponge, much darker, yes, but must it settle into every pore like that? And accentuate every scar and scratch? It looks awful, I wonder if I should just do one leg, quit while I am ahead? Would people notice? Poor leg, it looks so bruised and beat up. Ok, I must go through with this, I will do the other leg, I find that, the same as in other tricky situations, small, steady circular motions work best. It is better, but still not good. I have finished both legs,
I can quit here, perhaps giving the impression of a yin- yang symbol when I curl up.
I am so tan now!
It looks absolutely like hell. Now I can not even go. I have visions of jumping into the pool and a wave of brown water dispersing all around me. People will think I have pooped myself. It already looks as if I have rolled in shit. I will not be fabulous at all,
I will be “shit girl” and everyone will shout at me and laugh and I will never be able to redeem myself. I will never be asked back, in fact there will be a big sign, A red circle with a slash through it that says “No shit girl”.

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